Misconceptions and Abuse

Did you know that when scientists first researched why grasslands were disappearing, one of the reasons they came up with was that elephants were stomping around too much, supposedly smooshing all the grass? This led them to shoot 40,000 elephants to improve the grasslands. 40,000! The evidence that they provided showed that the elephants were at fault... until the death of the elephants caused the grasslands to get worse. I guess it’s not only the statistic of dead elephants that shocks me, but

If Depression was a Person, it Would be Like This:

Depression is like that ex you wish you didn’t still talk to, but you do because the thought of you not talking to them feels uncomfortable, unforgivable, and guilty.  “Hey.”     “hi..” You know it’s easier to just fucking say “hi” than to not respond. “hey”      …. “How are you?”      ….. “Wtf? Why are you ignoring me?”      ….. ​“REAL MATURE. I don’t know why you just can’t talk to me?” And then you sit there reading each of these messages as they come in. Trying not to care, but

What Kind of Emotion is This?

I’ve been trying to write in my blog for a while now, but I have been getting nervous about being so honest. I know the people who read my blog (my family, my friends, everyone) and I have been editing my current writing with that in mind. Which totally defeats the purpose of my blog. So, I haven’t been writing. And yes, I’m fine. I just want to write the truth because someone should. So, here is a little update about what’s going on… There has been a lot on my mind but nothing that seems to

Why We Shouldn't Live in Black and White

Recently, my friend and I attended an AA meeting in hopes of getting an insight on how we can better control self-destructive urges – one of which is drinking. We were immediately tested when we walked in and individuals made comments such as “This is a serious meeting for people who struggle with alcohol,” “Students aren’t allowed to observe.” Ha – as if middle-class white college students couldn’t possibly have a drinking problem. It was very clear we were not welcome. Discouraged, I looked

You can't put yourself in my shoes - PTSD (Part 2)

Nobody knows the extent of the abuse I have experienced. It makes me incredibly uncomfortable to even think about. Talking about it the abuse is like someone who is completely body conscious standing in front of 500 people while they shout out why your body is “gross.” Embarrassed. Awkward. Shameful. Sad. Numb. I walked into Panera today, ordered a coffee, and received an empty up to fill with my choice of the 4 offered coffee intensities. I always ignore those and go for the fourth choice:

Where does one even start healing from PTSD? (Part 1)

Part One: Understand this first. Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is “a mental disorder occurring after a traumatic event outside the range of usual human experience, and characterized by symptoms such as reliving the event, reduced involvement with others, and manifestations of autonomic arousal such as hyperalertness and exaggerated startle response.” As much as people say that “grieving is a process”… it is the most annoying thing to hear from someone while I grieve.. and well, that’s

How to Survive College With Depression (and Other Mental Illnesses)

I went into my freshman year of college fearful for my life - believing with 100% certainty that I would not even make it to the legal drinking age. I was sure of killing myself. If my depression wasn't stressful enough, let's add college on top of it... this will definitely push me over the edge. Now, as a senior, I start the semester personally contacting each of my professors about how I am dealing with depression. Which seems a little odd, but here is why I do it: My first year at Purdue

Avoiding Self-Awareness... and Other Depression-Disgustingness

I take pride in the amount of self-awareness I have. And I do this amusing, yet unsatisfying thing where I hide what I already know when I am looking for some alternate, non-selfinflicted, explanation for the results of my actions - an explanation that just doesn’t make me sound or seem like a dumbass, asshole, and anything else that falls near those two categories. If someone tells me exactly what I am avoiding, I like to pick an argument. Maybe if I can argue with someone about what I already

Managing Borderline Tendencies - Developing Self-Awareness

How do I know I am not feeding into borderline behaviors? I ask myself this question almost any time I am doing something that is going to somehow alter to my mental well-being… so basically all the time. You would think that the very fact that I am questioning whether an action is good of bad for me would give me the answer that it is not a good option. Or at least that’s what most people think. “Trust yourself – your gut.” I hate when I get told this because the same gut that you are asking

A Victim's Perspective to the Brock Turner Rape Case

Over the course of the past few days, social media sites are being taken over by the not-so-drastic ruling of the Brock Turner rape case - a case that was brought to light from more than a year ago due to the significantly small sentencing of Brock Turner. I have no detailed knowledge of this case. I just have what has been going viral all over the internet. Regardless, this entire tragic event led me to contemplate my own forms of abuse and how it is being handled by others and more

When I Can Almost Type as Fast as My Racing Thoughts

Have you ever had that weird combination of optimism and depression at the same time? I bet a lot of people might think that’s odd because if you’re being optimistic, wouldn’t your mood be lifted?  That is one thing I really hate about the depression I am dealing with most recently. I feel like a lot of things are going right and there is so much room for things to go right, but I feel so empty, hopeful and hopeless at the same time… I’m not “pursuing purpose.” I don’t understand that. I don’t

Depressed is Not a Synonym For Weak-Willed

There is proof, scientific proof, that many mental illnesses, such as depression, are not the result of an individual being weak-willed. I think a lot of people know this in the back of their minds, but have dismissed these facts because they contradict the perception these people have held of reality for so long… It’s uncomfortable. So, instead of accepting reality, people lie to themselves because they are so attached to their beliefs. Isn’t that disgusting? This ignorant belief and

What Stigma? – A Deeper Look Into Mental Health Awareness

A recent person questioned my blog and why I am writing all these dark thoughts for the public to read (like it is a disgrace to share such personal thoughts online for anyone with an internet connection to see… yet porn is fine…) has brought to my attention that I haven’t written as to how common it is for those suffering to be shamed – the stigma. Even unknowingly, people make comments that shame those suffering… unfortunately that’s how common this stigma is. …Like I’ve said, someone

...And That's How I Died

Sometimes my mind, my soul, uncontrollably wanders far away from my body.... Floating further and further away watching my body (or what I think is my body) from a distance. It’s like in Insidious - the body is there, but the further my mind walks into darkness, the more difficult it is to come back… and sometimes I feel like I can’t come back… and I worry that one day I won’t… and that’s how I’ll die. Dissociation, in the form of Depersonalization, to me at least, is one of the most difficult

Spread the Word to End the Word... on Mental Illness Too

I find it interesting that many spend a great deal of time promoting the campaign to end using the word “retard” so casually. I would like to apply this same concept to ending the casual talk of mental illness – calling people insane, depressed, OCD in reaction to a behavior of that individual. This also includes ending the casual use of phrases such as, “Someone didn’t take their medication this morning." It is the same concept – different mental imbalances, mutations, and so on. Maybe people

Why is Happiness an Expectation?

People today are more entitled than ever. We like everything handed to us… including happiness.   Happiness is a feeling that many assume should just be available with no struggle - no effort... partially because other emotions such as pain, fear, sadness require no effort at all – they just sort of happen. Negative responses and feelings happen quicker and last longer than positive ones - especially for those struggling with mental illness.   My brain is left fighting for happiness to the

That Moment of Pure Hopelessness

When I’m not in that exact moment where an urge is at its highest peak -the urge to drink, self-harm, etc.… then sure – that list of healthy distractions I proudly posted on my fridge seems like a really inspiring idea… but what happens in that moment? …where all hope is lost – pure blackness – where the thought of “hope” being an actual concept is not even fathomable. This feeling is so far from being understood by anyone, but yourself – myself - when the intruding thoughts start flooding my

"It Could Be Worse"

“It could be worse.” Yes. It could be. This phrase is used tirelessly to put situations into perspective for people. It reminds us to be grateful. “Why am I in the shower at 6am? My fingers are raisins. When did I get in here? Crap. Did I dissociate again? No. I am better. I am. I am!! I am dealing with this depression. I mean, things could always be worse… Stop this dissociation shit – be grateful that you even have a shower.” “It could be worse.” Say this to a survivor. A survivor of a

Minimalism Reducing Mental Illness

Most of us suffering from some kind of mental illness search for any kind of vice to feel a release – release from fear, pain, anger, sadness. We want to numb. Why are we numbing? Well, it’s easier to numb than to face all these feelings. I have gotten so used to numbing that it has almost become a source of contentment. Meaning – knowing that I can numb all my feelings and emotions brings me comfort. It’s easy to do this – alcohol, weed (any drug really), over exercising, sleeping, shopping…

What People With Depression Wish Everyone Understood:

1. We apologize for everything, but we always mean it. Sometimes I just feel apologetic for something that doesn’t need an apology and I apologize for it anyway – “everything I do is wrong.” I get that that’s an illogical thought, but it’s there. I feel the need to always be aware of the wrong I am doing in the world… I’m not the only one with depression that feels sorry for their existence – but I am sorry. Always.  “Oh my word, I just brushed against her shoulder. I am so so sorry. I

Internal Argument With Myself About Trauma

Internal dialog with myself: “I am not seeking for you to understand. I am not seeking for you to feel bad for me. I am not seeking for solutions. When you think about the trauma, I want you to focus – not distract with alcohol, loud music, and green. I want you to ask questions – why are you blaming yourself? What does avoiding do for you? I want you to be angry – not at yourself, but at the trauma. The abuse… at least until you have healed, brain. You can process this. It’s the end. It’s

5 Reasons People Give Up On Anti-Depressants

1. You May Become A Zombie People seem to associate being on anti-depressants with having gone through a lobotomy. The only real comparison is that both have the possibility of leaving one emotionally blunted.  Yes, I do feel like a Zombie. During the process of finding the most effective anti-depressants, I experience feeling like a zombie. I feel I am watching my body from outside myself do things like walk to class, hang out with friends, eat, and so on. For those of you who have seen the

There were Roses on her Cheeks...

The idiom "to put roses on the cheeks" means to make someone look as though they are healthy. Anyone who is struggling with depression understands that just looking healthy takes about 90% of your energy for the day. The other 10% is left for just trying to exist. Of course, one has the option to not look healthy and let the depression seep through leaving one pale and lifeless. Then what? Then the majority of your energy goes into explaining why you don't look so good that day. Concerned faces